The college class was told they had to write a 'short story' in as few words as possible. The story must contain the following three components:
(1)Religion
(2)Sexuality
(3)Mystery
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. It read as follows... Good God. I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're 32. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're 26. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're 24." "Hold on," said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?" The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."

Work Joke
A bum asked a businessman, "Give me $10 till payday." The businessman fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know. You're the one that's working."

Before our daughter went off to college, our family took a vacation in Colorado, flying to Denver and renting a car. We visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, which is more than 1000 feet above the Arkansas River. Walking out onto the bridge, I noticed it swayed in the wind. Then a car went past us, and the wood-plank roadway moved beneath my feet. "I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," I finally said. "What are you worried about?" our daughter replied. "It's a rental."

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class; "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. "Mary, can you tell me?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask me such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired." Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted, he asks the class the question again. This time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam," says Mr. Sampson. "Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to say to you. First, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my own birthday present instead of making you and dad shop for me." "But mom," says the daughter, "some poor, helpless creature has to suffer so that you can have this coat. Don't you think that's kind ofcruel?" "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them. The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's great." The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm a God." "She thinks you're a God? What makes you say that?" "Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

A man was sitting in a bar, nursing a beer and looking extremely dejected. The sympathetic bartender said, "Man, you look real down. Wanna talk about it? Sometimes it helps." "Well, I doubt it," replied the man. "You see, I'm a composer who hasn't had much luck. It seems the world is really against me. Recently I wrote the best song I've ever written, but I can't get any music publishers interested, and I've been to them all." The bartender suggested, "Well' let's hear it. Try it out on thecrowd." The man moves to the bar piano and proceeds to play a tune so incredibly melodious, so ethereal, that the bar turns dead quiet except for the music. Everyone is totally entranced. Goose bumps appear all over the audience and lumps rise in throats, as the music penetrates the very soul of all those present. When he finishes playing, all is silent for a few minutes, then the bartender remarked, "I cant believe you can't get that published. That has to be the most beautiful piece of music I've ever heard. What's it called, anyway?" "I call it 'I Love You So Much That I Just Know You'll Cheat On Me, You Witch'" the musician replied.

A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity to go to university in London. So he packed his bags and said goodbye to his mother and left the highlands for the big city. After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was holding up."I love it here Mother," Shamus told her, "but these English students are the oddest people ever. Why the boy who lives in the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the wall until midnight everynight. And the boy in the room above me stomps around until midnight every night. And the boy right below me blasts his stereo until midnight every night." "Why don't you complain to the Dean of students?" asks his mother."Well, it doesn't bother me much," answers Shamus. "I'm usually up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes anyway."

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario. "I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you." He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground. The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant
only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he
could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the
restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, John stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one."

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two." The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world." But then she said, "I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."