A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run." This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now exited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run me boy, rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run, he got four balls." The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride,laddie...walk with pride!"

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!" Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh shoot,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."

A car breaks down along the motorway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the motorway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

A little old woman answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the old woman. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." In addition, with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old woman stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; give him a freshly-charged electric eel and chances are he won't bother you for anything ever again.

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool. On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently. "What are you doing?" the priest asks. The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service." "Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car. The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says. "I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies. "Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's tool shed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

A man who had been battling a mental disorder for years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. "Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?" The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful." "Marvelous," said the head of the institution. "Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists." "Absolutely," said the head. "Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution." "An interesting possibility," said the head. "And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

German scientists dug 50 meters down and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone net. Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber net. American scientists were outraged by this. They dug 200 meters down and found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This type of situation persisted to a boiling point. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelledout, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with you -- father of four!"

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Prison vs. work
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things abit more clear....
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the toilet.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't speak to your family.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

A man wanted an Easter pet for his daughter. She had been going to church every Sunday without a single protest. She was helping around the house. And her Easter basket needed just one more thing to make it really special. So he went to the local pet shop to see what they had. He looked at a baby rabbit, a baby chick and a baby duck. They were all very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick. Do you know why? The baby chick was a little cheeper!

Famous Celebrity Passes Away
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky in his youth and a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus the bun they had in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Bob. Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?
Because B-shells were too small, and D-shells were too big.

You know you're no longer a teenager when...
=> You wear black socks with sandals.
=> Your back goes out more than you do.
=> You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
=> Your good friend is dating someone half his/her age... and isn't breaking any laws.
=> You sing along with the elevator music
=> You constantly talk about the price of gasoline
=> You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
=> People call at 8 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
=> You bought cable just for the weather channel.
=> You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.

I used to not get along well with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's 'dead'." There is a silence... then a shot is heard. The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple's house, and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen. The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant. I'd highly recommend it." The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to some one you love?" His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend suggests, "The poppy?" "No, no, no," growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns." His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eye sight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "You're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."

While giving a man his physical, the doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any really physical sports?" "Not at all," said the man. "I just play bridge with my wife."

Did you hear about the train conductor who got sentenced to death for mass murder? Well, the old-timer had worked for the railroad for 50 years, and all that they gave him was a "stupid watch" and it wasn't even a gold watch. Upset, he cussed out the bosses and became sloppy and rude, making passengers uneasy. With only one year until he could retire, his bosses felt sorry for the old man, and sent him to a railroad switchyard in the middle of the desert. Once a day, all he had to do was switch the tracks so the east and west bound trains didn't collide. The first day, he heard the whistles of both trains and he just sat there rocking in his chair. The trains came closer, and closer and closer. He just sat there rocking, back and forth, laughing. "I'll show them for sticking me out here alone in the middle of the desert," he cackled. Then it happened. The trains slammed together head-on, killing all 100 people on board. The conductor was tried, convicted of mass murder and sentenced to death. On the day he was going to be electrocuted, prison officials strapped the conductor into THE CHAIR. Ten million volts surged through his body. A doctor checked, and the conductor's heart was still beating. So all the electricity within 500 miles was sent through the conductor's body, but again, the doctor noticed a heartbeat. Next, all the electricity in the Midwest was used, but the conductor's heart kept beating. Finally, the warden asked the man: "Why can't you be electrocuted?" The man smiled and said: "I guess I am not a good conductor."

John, Brian, and Bill were all locked away in a mental institution for many, many years. One day, the head doctor tells them that if they pass a test he wants to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they'd be locked away for another five years of observation. All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform, some 60 feet in the air. The doctor motions to John. "Jump." Without hesitation, John leaps off the platform, right into the pool, breaking both arms in the process. The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Brian, "Jump." Also without hesitation, Brian flies off the platform into the empty pool, breaking both of his legs. After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Bill, "Jump." Bill shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so." The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and says, "Congratulations, Bill. You're a free man. Just tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?" "Easy," Bill says, "I can't swim."

And Now For Today’s Market Report
Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

An elderly man found himself in a catholic hospital following an emergency surgery. The nurse, who was a nun, asked him if he had insurance. He answered no, so she asked him if he would be able to cover his bill with a check. He told her no again. As a last resort, she suggested maybe a family member could help. He said he only had one sister, who wasn't married and was a nun too. The nurse reminded him that nuns were married to God. The man's face broke into a huge smile and he said, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law!”

Advantages of Aging - Kidnappers are not very interested in you. - People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. - Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. - Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable number. - No one expects you to run into a burning building. - There's nothing left to learn the hard way. - Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. - In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant -- about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Sure-Fire Signs There's Trouble on the Job
1) The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo.
2) The Security guard makes a complete inventory of your work area.
3) Your assistant starts responding to your memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
4) You've got a "It's for you loser" sound when you receive email.
5) Your new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-18 last weekend.
6) The Human Resources Dept requests an update of your arrest record.
7) Your boss asks if you still have a copy of your five-year contract.
8) You notice your co-workers measuring your cubicle when you arrive at work.
9) Your parking space is moved next to the Dumpster.
10) Your secretary says things like, "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
11) The receptionist asks "Who?" when anyone calls on you.

Things Not to Say to Your New Girlfriend's Parents...
=> My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
=> Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
=> Can you believe it! Those idiots at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
=> We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
=> Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
=> Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
=> Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
=> Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that copcar will stay lost.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes!" the monkey motioned. "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." the monkey confirmed. "What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing." "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer. "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked?" "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.

An attractive blonde was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man. "Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?" Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?" "No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick. "Oh," said the lawyer, "just some suggestions."

A snake goes to see his doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days." The Doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks for a check up. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. The doctor replies, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been romantically involved with a garden hose the past 2 years!"

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

This psychiatrist is doing his rounds of his asylum with a couple of students. They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?" The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?" The second student says, "No, surely he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goerring."

A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after having surgery in the hospital, and his faithful wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes started to open and he quietly uttered, "You're beautiful." He soon drifted back to sleep, and after awhile he woke up and said, "You're cute." "What happened to beautiful?" she asked him. "The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

My sister brought her daughter a really nice Baby Grand Piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked my sister how her daughter was doing. "Oh," she said, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I asked. "Because," my sister answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."