A joke a day to give you a little comic relief. I try to offer some humor for everyone and I will try not to offend anyone. However I sometimes can't resist poking fun at some groups, but I never mean it as an insult. Sort of that I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you thing we were all told as kids. So enjoy the jokes, puns and funny stories, laughter is good for you.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that darn gun...'"

A Texan dies and goes to hell. While down there the devil notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 100 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so happy. The Texan says, "I really like it here. The temperature is just like Dallas in June." The devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to fix him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 120 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan. He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be. The devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy. The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Houston in July." The devil, now really upset, decides to make the Texan really understand that hell is no paradise. He walks over to the controls and turns the heat up to 140 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now let's see what the Texan is up to," he thinks. So he goes looking for the Texan. The devil finds the Texan taking his shirt off basking in the heat, even happier than before. The devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now. The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Brownsville in August." The devil says: "That's it, I'll get this guy." He walks over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees below zero. "Now let's see what the Texan has to say about this," the devil thinks to himself. He looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy. "What are you so happy about now," ask the devil. Still excited, the Texan replies, "The Rangers have finally won the world series."

Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain and
agony?
A. Unemployed.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalizer test, and to his great surprise the man blew a 0.00. The Patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken," exclaimed the Patrolman. "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the Designated Decoy."

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh I don't mind." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max. "That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

Dentist joke
A man and his wife entered a dentist's office. The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible. "You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Monday, August 07, 2006

Wimp Joke
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained very quiet. After a while one of the first two turned to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" After a moment's thought, the third fellow says "Ok, I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.
"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

Slightly Dirty Joke
Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went......The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "A can of paint?" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were no longer welcome in the church. "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Goofy Joke
A man is walking his dog, and passes a restaurant; the cooking smells are so tempting, he decides he would like to stop for lunch, but the sign says no animals are permitted. After a couple of moments thought, he decides to brazen it out; he puts on a pair of sunglasses, walks into the restaurant with his dog on a leash and asks to be seated. The waiter says "I am sorry sir, but we do not permit animals in the restaurant." The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The waiter responds sceptically: "Your seeing eye dog? Sir, that dog is a Chihuahua ." The man cries, "Oh God, they gave me a Chihuahua?"

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The college class was told they had to write a 'short story' in as few words as possible. The story must contain the following three components:
(1)Religion
(2)Sexuality
(3)Mystery
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. It read as follows... Good God. I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're 32. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're 26. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're 24." "Hold on," said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?" The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."

Work Joke
A bum asked a businessman, "Give me $10 till payday." The businessman fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know. You're the one that's working."

Before our daughter went off to college, our family took a vacation in Colorado, flying to Denver and renting a car. We visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, which is more than 1000 feet above the Arkansas River. Walking out onto the bridge, I noticed it swayed in the wind. Then a car went past us, and the wood-plank roadway moved beneath my feet. "I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," I finally said. "What are you worried about?" our daughter replied. "It's a rental."

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class; "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. "Mary, can you tell me?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask me such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired." Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted, he asks the class the question again. This time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam," says Mr. Sampson. "Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to say to you. First, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

Friday, July 21, 2006

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my own birthday present instead of making you and dad shop for me." "But mom," says the daughter, "some poor, helpless creature has to suffer so that you can have this coat. Don't you think that's kind ofcruel?" "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."